Via a friend of a friend’s school friend’s younger sister - Will, Tom and I got ourselves invited to a Peruvian house party. Our contact had just graduated from university and was attending a shindig at one of her fellow graduates house to celebrate. All we knew was that we had to meet outside the casino at 8:30pm and she would collect us from there.
The reason for the casino being our rendezvous point was that it was one of the few places we knew the location of. On our first night in Lima, after having a quick bite to eat in the local Plaza, we walked past the casino and I convinced the others that the worst possible outcome of gambling the taxi fair on roulette would be that we had to walk home and get some much needed exercise. A wonderful bit of propaganda from myself later and we were through the door and at the table. Will and Tom played it safe and went Red but being of a more adventurous persuasion I opted to slam everything on 18. The Gods must have been looking favourably upon me that night as the lovely little ball plopped itself down in 18 and made me a happy man as well as a small fortune. I then invested the winnings wisely in a spot of blackjack and walked away 876 times richer than when I walked in. The only problem with this windfall was, all the money is in Peruvian Soles and it made almost no sense at all for me to try and exchange it into Pounds as I’d lose so much through commission. So I came to the sensible conclusion that I’d act as Tom’s personal cash machine and with the remainder just live the rock and roll life style for the remainder of the trip.
In my opinion, there's nothing ruder than attending a house party under equipped with alcohol meaning you have to swan around in the kitchen hoping no bodies looking when you serve yourself a generous tot of rum into your orange juice. Tom and Will felt the same way so between us we acquired 2 x 1lt bottles of Fanta (80p), 1 x 1lt bottle of soda water (7p) and 2 x 1lt bottles of Vokyonoski Vodka (£2.30). We thought 1 litre of vodka would be plenty between us, the second we could just throw into the pot as a welcoming gesture and seeing as I’m now unfathomably rich £1.15’s worth of cheaper-than-home-brand Vodka wasn’t going to bankrupt me.
After a reasonably lengthy cab journey into the outer suburbs of Lima we arrived in a reasonably classy looking neighbourhood, paid the driver and headed into the house. We were somewhat unexpectedly greeted by a lady in her mid fifties who riddled us with a host of Spanish as we kissed her on the cheek and entered her house. It turned out, she was the mother of the party thrower and she was just in charge of the welcoming ceremony. With that sorted we made our way into the kitchen and weighed up the drink situation. With there being no room in the fridge, due to avocados and red onions,we just left our stash on the table and headed into the lounge. I was guessing we were early as the father was sat watching the TV and the only people in attendance were our contact and the host but we were reliably informed the others were on their way. After 25 minutes of awkward silence and the Peruvian version of the generation game, the other guests arrived and the party was in full flow. By full flow I mean the radio was put on for a bit of background music and the other 4 guests were now in attendance. 2 slightly obese 35 year old local men both dressed like Rolf Harris, a Romanian girl in a puffer jacket and a small girl who looked like an oompa-loompa who insisted she was 25 but would have easily passed for 11. The younger sister of the host then came and joined us and that was it, that was the party. 8 guests and the hosts family, I felt a little mislead.
Tom turned to me and whispered “I think we may have over cooked it on the vodka”, the other guests had brought a 6 pack of beers between them. Being the token white men, we were the main interest of the party. This meant, we had to do a photo shoot with every possible combination of the family in front a giant picture of Jesus hanging from the wood panelled wall. Mum and us. Dad and us. Mum, dad and us. Mum, dad, the 2 daughters and us. Mum, the 2 daughters and us (Dad out). Mum, an urn and us. An urn and us. I’m just glad it was only the 4 of them (5 if you include the urn). To say I was getting bored would be a hefty understatement so I went for a wonder to the kitchen and came up with a cunning plan to spice things up a little. I poured us each a small measure and then spiked the remaining Fanta with the majority of the second bottle of Vodka. Nobody else was ever going to drink it and with any luck they hadn't noticed it was even there. I was exclusively drinking soda water with mine but I thought if Tom and Will found themselves a little more intoxicated it certainly wouldn't hurt them but they might provide some form of much needed entertainment.
It started off well as Tom and Will hardly noticed the extra dosage and were slowly become merrier and merrier but then things took a turn for the worst. As these things normally do, my harmless trick backfired spectacularly. I noticed the younger sister of the host was drinking the Fanta. Tom and Wills Fanta. The Fizzy, laced with vodka Fanta. By this stage it was too late, I couldn’t say “Sorry young lass, best you stop drinking that Fanta as you will most likely end up pissed as a newt”. I literally couldn’t say that as I don’t speak Spanish but also the father was a fairly big man. The picture of Jesus wasn’t helping matters, there's nothing better for installing guilt than a massive picture of Christ looking down at you and judging like a holy Simon Cowell.
Danger was averted by tipping the content into a flower pot the very second the girl put her drink down. It left her a little confused but I’m sure she would have been more disorientated had she of finished off half a pint of Vodka. Other than that the night was nothing short of spectacular, Lima really is an amazing city. I’m not sure what the morale of this story is - Don’t take copious amounts of alcohol to Peruvian house parties, maybe. A handy little tip for you all there. Oh, and always cover 18 red, works every time.
