Chapter 1

Well readers, that's it, chapter 1 of the adventure has now concluded. Its been an eventful journey so far but as they say, all good things come to an end. Well not completely to an end as I'm currently heading back towards sunny Australia to see out the remainder of my working Visa, but an end in so much as my round the world ticket has now expired and Rory’s sadly left me.

My sidekick for the past 8 months has decided its about time he returned to the real world and got on with life. I know he’s particularly looking forward to the pleasures of a weekly Tesco’s shop, student load repayments and Chanel 4’s relentless coverage of Big Brother 19. So may I wish him the very best of luck with everything he is about to encounter and thank him sincerely for his participation. Quite how I would have managed without him, I shall never know.

Rory’s departure has left me in a slight predicament, I now have no wingman or wingwoman to continue beside me on the adventures. This is why I’m now in the market for a new sidekick. I will warn you, there’s some rather big boots to fill, not quite as big as Rory would have you believe in the physical sense, but quite large none-the-less. So anybody that may be interested, please email me your CV’s along with a recent photo and we shall take things from there. Similar adverts have been placed on Gumtree, in Financial Times and on commercial radio throughout East Anglia so if you are considering joining this well established franchise its best to get in early. If you don’t hear anything after 14 days I’m afraid your application has been unsuccessful.

Over our last few days together, Rory and I done a fair bit of reminiscing and in classic High Fidelity fashion we started putting our experiences into a top 5 list. I thought this was a good and fittingly suitable way of summarising the highlights so here they are.

Chapter 1 Highlights, In reverse order:

3. Great Wall of China – Now the reason I haven't posted anything about the Great wall so far was because after visiting it I new it would make the final cut but also new my limited vocabulary would run out of superlatives to describe it. It was a toss up between this and the Taj Mahal for 3rd place, but because of beautiful surrounding landscape and the shear workload it must have taken to build it, it pipped the Taj to the post.

2. The Islands of South East Asia – We spent just short of a month travelling through Malaysia and Thailand Island hoping and despite the hideously confined and sometimes dangerous modes of transport used, we loved every minute. On these islands we met some great people, who we still keep in regular contact with even now, nearly 6 months later. I think I may have mentioned this before, but I intend to travel through Europe on my return the England. The main reason for this is because of the people we met on these islands and the great times we had. Also it will bring down the accommodation costs significantly so it’s worth a Facebook message every now and then.

1. The South Island of New Zealand – With the possible exception of Great Yarmouth Wax works, the south island of New Zealand is the greatest place I have ever visited. You can pretty much, within the obvious legal boundaries, do anything you want there. From leaping off anything tall be it building, bridge or mountain to swimming with dolphins, New Zealand is the place. Possibly not the greatest of examples as neither of which appeal to me in the slightest, but I’m sure they would feature on a few peoples bucket lists. Even if you just watched other people partake in the activities it would be worth a visit as New Zealand’s scenery is simply awe-inspiring.

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Now some bad news. I’ve made the executive decision to draw a line under the Adventures of James Peel – Chapter 1 for a while. This is due to the fact that I’ve now returned to Melbourne and intend save as much money as I possibly can for chapter 2 which will probably result in my life becoming pretty dull. To save you all from reading any further boring tripe, I thought it would be a good idea to just give you a little break until The shiny new Adventures of James Peel 2.0 is launched. Because a) I don’t know when it will be & b) I don’t expect you to keep checking, I have set up a mailing list and will Email anybody who wishes to join when I’m back online. You may even get a little bonus snippet sent directly to you if something spectacular does happen. So if you would like to join just email at the address below with your name:

Jpeel@live.co.uk

You can rest assured, your personal information shall not be passed on to any company or organisation not affiliated with the Adventures of James Peel (C) or Fruitskin’s Laundry (TM).

I've also just exceeded my photo limit so no more can be uploaded until I find an alternative solution that doesn't cost me any money. This is the main reason for the lack of Pictures in posts lately, I do apologise.

I do love hearing from you all, so please keep in touch.

On that note I wish you well and until next time, keep up the good work.

For Rory (16/1/2009 ~ 20/9/2009)

Soon To Be Relatively Famous

Over the last couple of days in China, my fame has reached stratospheric heights. First of all, we visited Beijing summer place and not only did I have a classic few photo requests, I had an actual queue. It started off with a simple mother-daughter shot and soon turned into a Nikon frenzy. The queue was getting so long people were even settling for plain old Rory. Eventually I roped him into my shots and together we done our bit for the community. Afterwards Rory had the cheek to call me a “Bloody crowd pleaser” due to my willingness to pose in almost any fashion for a fans photo. The clear favourite was the “2 hand peace sign with semi-cheesy grin" pose which I’ve got down to a fine art now. Just as I though my fame surely couldn't get any bigger we went shopping in silk street market and while we were poking around trying to accumulate various pieces of tat for presents, a young lad came over, introduced himself and offered us his assistance. We were obviously a little dubious of this to start with and tried to politely palm him off, but he just kept following us around. Eventually he cut to the chase and removed a weird little magic goose egg from his pocket. He then said “I would like exchange this salt egg for something your possession”. Ill be honest, I thought he’d lost the plot. I didn’t have a clue what he was running on about, but eventually after a lot of rewording and sign language, it turned out he was on a mission to keep exchanging items that he considered to be of greater material value that the previous until the market shut and we were his latest customers. I was at a bit of a lose end as I had nothing to give him other than a selection of biros I’d accumulated from various hostel receptions and pub quiz's over the last 8 months, so in an attempt to get rid of him I offered him a neon retractable Bic. Rather embarrassingly for myself he didn’t consider the highly particle and working biro to be a suitable exchange for his scrawny little egg and pretty much laughed in my face. To add to my humiliation it transpired that he was actually filming the whole encounter for a Chinese TV show. National Television exposure, now I'm in the big league.

Train Tracks & Bad Backs

Recently Rory and I have had the pleasure of a few train journeys throughout China and have been quietly impressed by the efficiency and the level of service provided. I wouldn’t say I’m an expert on long distance public transport, but compared to the India or Thai equivalents the Chinese trains are like Bentleys. I can fit comfortably in the beds, they run on time, a lady comes around every half hour offering fresh fruit and someone's sent to wake you up 20 minutes before your arrival so you don’t miss your stop. It all seems to work splendidly and to top it all off its cheaper than a hostel which means you get a free nights accommodation as you travel, sort of.

To acquire a ticket for these trains you have to book a couple of days in advance so we headed off to the station in Pingyao to make enquiries. We had hired an orange tandem bicycle for the day, which is a story in itself, as the station was a fair distance form our hostel, which meant I had to leave Rory outside on guard as I went in to book the tickets. As a rule of thumb, you can normally get away with a fare bit of pointing, signing numbers with your fingers and waving cash around but today this was not the case. After joining the back of the queue and waiting 15 minutes for my turn at the counter I started my pointing routine. This method hadn’t let me down before but for some reason the ticket lady wasn’t playing along. She kept asking me over and over the same question, I’m guessing it was a question, and pointing at her screen. I had no possible inclination of what she was trying to tell me. Another 3 long minutes of pointing method didn't pay off and I got the impression I was upsetting a few people waiting in the queue, so I accepted defeat and walked back to tell Rory the news.

Just as I’d left the counter a small Chinese girl walked towards me. I really wasn’t in the mood for more white man photos but I stopped anyhow, you have to keep the fans happy. It turned out she was learning English at school and was able to tell me the reason I couldn’t get the tickets was that the train was full. She also said the lady at the counter was offering me an alternative for the next day but I was just shouting “Beijing, 2 people” and giving her a peace sign. With this newly acquired knowledge, I rejoined the queue and waited another 15 minutes before returning to Rory triumphantly with the tickets. These tickets were cheaper than the others we'd used previously but in the words of the ticket lady, these were only “sitty” tickets. All our prior travel on overnight trains had been in beds, but we’d done a fair few stints on planes using “sitty” chairs, so how bad could it be………..

2 days later we were back at the station and ready to leave for Beijing. The announcement was made for us to go to our platform, again a complete guess, so we followed the crowds down towards the tracks. As the train arrived we clambered on and started hunting for our seats. Now to say we stuck out like saw thumbs would be an understatement. I was the tallest, whitest, and certainly most ginger bearded saw thumb ever to a grace third class sleeper carriage and I soon realised why the tickets were considerably cheaper. The carriage was laid out in two rows of back to back benches on each side with a small aisle in between. Just to keep things amusing, the ticket lady had given us seats in the middle of the train so we had to walk through the entire carriage before we eventually found our place for the night. The benches were glorified church pews with nylon covers and in no way were they made for 3 people to sit side-by-side but we had to squeeze in. The seating pattern also meant you faced the 3 people on the opposite bench and forced you to constantly play twister for a better leg configuration. We were in this predicament for 12 long hours and to top things off people were constantly smoking, eating loud nuts and spitting all around us. I was in desperate need of entertainment, just to take my mind of the situation, but I didn't dare get my Ipod out through fear I might be pillaged. I ended up sleeping crouched over my rucksack partly for safety but mainly because it was the comfiest position I could manoeuvre into. By the end my lungs would have been in better shape if I’d done a shift in a coal mine and my spine used in crash testing.

If I never travel on another Chinese 3rd class train again, it will be too soon and I wish anybody the very best of luck who has to in the future. You’ll need it.

Health & Safety

If there’s one thing in western society that I feel there's absolutely no need for its the necessity to sue people when an accident occurs. The whole business of suing really grinds my gears, from the “Have you been injured at work because your stupid enough to climb a broken ladder” adverts to the practise of health and safety. Don’t get me wrong, I think there should be consequences for people who are grossly negligent and drive blindfolded for example, but no matter how many hi-vis vests you wear, accidents will always happen. A little bit of common sense goes a long way and I’ve noticed throughout my travels that other cultures seem to have far more of it than the western world.

The other day Rory and I decided to climb Mount Hua, a large mountainous range which is particularly symbolic and a site of pilgrimage for the Taoist religion. We heard before we started the climb that there were three paths to the top. The first a gentle 6 hour ramble up a mild slope to the summit, the second the cheats cable car that took about 10 minutes and required no calories to be burnt and finally the soldiers path which ran under the cable car and guarantee 2 hours of hard work with great views.

The cheats cable car was out of the question as James Peel is no cheat, may I add it’s purely coincidental that I’ve never lost at Monopoly when playing as the banker. The gentle track sounded a little long and by my own admission, 6 hours of one man Disney film re-enactments can be a little tedious and I wasn’t sure if Rory could handle another sitting of my highly contrived 101 Dalmatians musical. So we got ourselves a couple of bottles of water and headed for the soldiers track.

The first kilometre or so was pretty easy going, but then things got exciting. The steepness became extremely apparent when the steps were no longer wide enough to fit a shoe, resulting in a crab-like-walk assent method. The track then continued vertically along a 50m stretch of shear mountain face with nothing but foot holes carved into the rock and a chain either side to pull yourself up. Finally there were narrow paths along cliff faces with chains more commonly seen in garden centres to stop you plummeting to your death. By the end I was so tired I felt like I’d completed an entire pre-seasons training in one sitting. The most fascinating thing about all this was that we were doing it with people who could have been claiming their pensions. 80 year old men and women were happily dangling themselves over cliffs and pottering along mountain sides. Now in England I can safely say mount Hau would be shut down in an instance, health and safety would never allow half the things up there. But since they started keeping records not a single person has ever died, they’ve not even had a serious injury. I’d guess that statistically someone should have accidentally had a little trip by now, but luckily they haven't so it can be enjoyed by thousands of people everyday without a single need for a harness. We got the cable car back down, we heard it supplied really good views.

In addition to this little story I thought I’d enlighten you with a few English translations of Chinese notices or signs that are about. I’ll let you try and work them out:

1. Please slip carefully

2. A be seated defecate

3. The green shards are afraid of your foot

4. Disabled elevator

5. Be careful not to be stolen

6. Don’t stroke the works

7. Cash recycling system

8. Unrecycling

9. Fire in safe hand people

10. No tossing

The Tourist Attraction

I’ll happily admit I’m not that tall for a man in western terms, or even particularly wide, but compared to any run of the mill Chinese man, I’m huge. I tend to be a good 6 inches taller than your average local and I wouldn’t be too far off by saying I’m twice the width. This in conjunction with my white skin, ginger beard and blue eyes make me quite an attraction. The more rural areas tend to be the worst but even in the big cities I have my fare share of adoring fans. I regularly get a “Hallo” yelled at me by passing strangers who expect a “Hi” or at least a wave back. I’ve even been stroked a couple of times but my personal favourite is the photo. There are various strategies used by the Chinese to get me in their photos, firstly there's the simple but effective “ask nicely”. This technique normally reaps the greatest reward as sometime they can get a quick stroke in while they are stood next to me as well as the prized photo. Secondly there's the stand-next-to-him-while-he’s-eating technique. This one’s normally preferred by families with young children as it allows them to usher there kids right up next to me and then start clicking away while I’m struggling with noodles. The final method is to pretend your typing a text on your phone whilst its aimed at me then take a cheeky shot when they think I’m not paying attention. I’ve heard stories from other travellers and by the sounds of things, I’ve got it pretty easy. I’ve been reliably informed blonde women get pestered all the time and anyone with ginger hair even more so. I think poor old Rory, with him sun tanned skin, is starting to feel a little left out. I’ve walked around for 8 months now looking like Casper the friendly ghost next to him and it’s not until now my pasty skins brought me any enjoyment.

The Liking Of Hiking & Biking

If you read any guide books on China, they would have you perceive China as a pretty dirty country with millions of scruffy looking old men pacing about, spitting and playing dice, but that could not be further from the truth. Yes, it could do with a good spring clean here and there but other than that its a pretty beautiful country. The people are also really lovely and helpful. During our time in South East Asia and even more so India, we learnt to be very cautious around people who offer assistance. It would nearly always end up as a long con into buying a carpet of staying at their uncles hotel, but here people will happily be of assistance. So far China is nothing like I expected, the scenery in places has been spectacular and despite the odd language problem, things have been thoroughly enjoyable.

After spending 12 hours on a bus yesterday evening, we eventually arrived at our fist destination, Guilin. It was 5am when we arrived but we heard there was a good hostel in town so we made are way there and knocked on the door. An old chap was asleep on the floor but he got himself up, undone the door and without using a work of English explained that we couldn't check-in until 7am. So he offered us a sofa each and we slept there for a couple of hours until the English speaking check-in lady arrived. While she was scanning our passports we booked a bus out to the local rice fields called Dragon's backbone terrace. It sounded pretty interesting and we were not disappointed. We hiked our way up to the tiny village of Ping'an and then stopped off for a bite to eat. The local delicacy was Bamboo Chicken, so we opted for some of that. It was the entire carcase of a chicken stuffed into a bamboo shoot with ginger, lime and mushrooms then cooked over a BBQ. It was pretty simple cuisine but rather tasty. We then spent the afternoon rambling up and down various windey paths along the rice terraces around the village. To farm on such step terrain really is a feat of great agricultural engineering and the staggered effect it has on the landscape was remarkable. On the bus back both Rory and I were in agreement, than China doesn't get the press it deserves.

Then today we arrived in an even the even smaller town of Yangshuo and hired a couple of bikes for the day. We didn't really know where we we going, but we had a hand drawn map which the hotel owner gave us, so off we went. Almost immediately we made a wrong turn and before long we were cycling down tiny dirt tracks trying to find the actual path. In doing so however, we managed to find some spots that were so remote and of the beaten track that we really didn't mind. After a few hours we managed to get our bearings and we continued down the bank of the river Yulong. At one point the track crossed the river but there was no bridge so we had to pay an old lady to ferry us across on her boat. When I say boat, I actually mean 8 large bamboo trunks fastened together side by side. The entire vessel was only about 8 foot long and it had to fit Rory, two bikes, the driver and me on which was worrying. As the fattest I jumped on first and immediately the boat sunk just below the water, but this didn't faze her. She carried on loading and before long we were floating gently across the river with just enough buoyancy as to keep my ankles dry but my feet wet. It only cost 50p, you get what you pay for in this world. Once we disembarked on the other side we set off again through some more tiny little villages and eventually back to the hostel.

I hope the rest of my time in China is as enjoyable as the first few days have been. We are off on the bikes again tomorrow and there is talk of more bamboo rafting, which should be exciting. Ill know to take my shoes off first this time.

The Great Wall Of China

No not the one that you can supposedly see from space, the firewall that prevents the Chinese people viewing anything the government doesn't wish them to on the Internet. I've recently found the The Adventures Of James Peel is apparently one of these such sites and it's proving very difficult to create new posts. I don't know what I've done to upset them but it's proving rather unhelpful. I can't get on Facebook, read my emails or view football results without a palaver.

But luckily for you , my 4 years university education has come up trumps once again and the great wall is being avoided. I still can't get pictures to upload but text should work just dandy.

Lets hope this works!

If it does, can you please let me know, via email, as I can't view the site to check myself.

Many Thanks,

James

Hong Kong Phewy

After 14 long hours sat in various airports in Australasia, we eventually arrived in Hong Kong to start the latest leg of the adventure. The second we stepped out of the beautifully air conditioned plane the humidity struck and since that point I've been steadily perspiring. I'm the Lynx advert "before" type at the best of times but in this weather I'd need more than a can of antiperspirant to keep my dry. Anyhow, after cursing about dampness for about 3 hours, we headed to the hostel we booked a few days previous. We had the address and a map but for the life of us couldn't find a so-called, Sincere House. We knew we were on the right road as the road signs were in English, but due to the fact neither Rory or I can understand Chinese pictographs, Sincere House was proving rather elusive. Eventually, after hiking through several 2nd hand phone stalls, we found the hostel and to our delight it was on the 14th floor. I can assure you this didn't help the sweating situation, but we eventually got checked in by a very helpful young lady and had a well deserved wash. Safe in the knowledge I was no long a nasal hindrance on the people of Hong Kong, we went out for some food and the old language barrier became a issue for a second time. Luckily they had a few pictures so we just pointed to something that looked reasonably edible and within 10 minutes we were armed with our chop sticks and rearing to go. Now, if you were on family fortunes and had to think of something that could prove impossibly difficult to pick up using two small sticks, noodles or rice would probably win you a car. I'm reasonably dexterous with the chop sticks, but my poor friend Rory spent about 45 minutes pushing various grains of rice, sweetcorn and noodles around a bowl before calling it a day. He's going to wilt if he doesn't pick it up soon.

Other than the minor annoyances mentioned above, which aren't really annoyances and generally keep things interesting, I thought Hong Kong was a really vibrant, interesting and surprisingly clean and well maintained city. I also found it's incredibly cheap for electrical goods. I've been in the market for a new SLR camera for some time now and due to the benefits of Australian tax back, this was an ideal time to splash out. So armed with my new camera and a bag full of sweaty unwashed clothing, its off to China tomorrow where things could get even more interesting and hopefully a little less sauna like.

A Day On The Piste

Yesterday a few of my companions from the bus suggested a days skiing in the mountains surrounding Queenstown. I've never been skiing before but I was up for learning and as an added incentive it was the first day of the Winter Games, which meant I could go and watch the Pro's flip about if I was struggling. As there were two of the party that required tuition and two that were semi-instructors, we paired off and made it a bit competitive. Team 1 consisted of Sophia and Mark, Mark being the learner, leaving Wally and I to make Team 2. We pencilled in a race at the end of the day between Mark and myself and decided the loosing team would have to buy the drinks that evening. So we eagerly headed off with our instructors and began our first lesson, putting skis on.
Mark was up the slope before me and was soon getting taught some basic turning and stopping techniques. Firstly Sophia had him practising on the flatter ground then before long he was gently on a slalom down the slope in her tracks. I also noticed a lot of the other learners were doing similar things at nice steady pace. Wally's teaching method was somewhat less conventional. He first advised me "To stop, point your toes together" then with a little shove he wished me good luck and I was on my way. It was a rather steep learning curve and as you can imagine, I was soon travelling at quite some speed in a limbo style formation towards a group of children. At the last moment danger was averted and I was saved from causing several deaths but I did learn from this experience and from that point onwards I kept it simple.
We had another hour on the nursery slopes before our tutors decided we were finally ready for the mountain. We jumped on the the ski lift, which was a comedy of errors in itself, and 5 minutes later we were at the summit. It turned out to be far stepper than I had imagined so I just plodded along at my own pace. After a few runs both Mark and I had developed our own styles. Mark liked the go-as-fast-as-you-can-then-crash-spectacularly method and I preferred the safer approach, keeping my speed below 2mph at all times. Mark was clearly the early favourite. Although he was never on his feet for than 20 seconds, I was so slow that by the time I'd caught up with him, he'd had ample time to get back up, re-attach his skis and start to build enough speed for his next tumble. However, by lunch time we had both improved tremendously and after a brief refreshment we were straight back on the slopes.
The last run was at 4pm so we jumped on the lifts 10 minutes before and I received my final briefing from coach Wally.  Considering my pace was still pretty poor we were really hoping the race would pan out in much the same way as the Tortoise beat the Hare in Aesop's fable, I just had to keep my speed steady and hope Mark tumbled. We finally arrived at the top and were under starters orders.
I made a good start and had the early lead but I could hear Wally screaming that Mark was catching up rapidly. About half way down Mark over took at tremendous speed and before long was motoring ahead. I just remembered the briefing and kept it slow and steady. With about 500m to go things went perfectly to plan and Mark was rolling around in the snow with his skis in the air. I took the opportunity while it was there and cruised past to take the victory. I don't like to gloat but after being called "Snail Boy" all day, it was nice to bathe in the glory while Wally and I sipped our prize.

Apologies

At last the company that register my domain name have managed to pull their lazy little fingers out and www.jamespeel.info is finally back online.

Thank you sincerely for your patience.

Strange & The Beautiful

Since my last post things have only got even more impressive and New Zealand has now officially secured its position as the greatest place I've ever visited. The Stray bus I have been travelling with has been superb and so have the people travelling on it. I have partaken in numerous activities since being on the tour and I can't think of a single one I have not thoroughly enjoyed. Each day has provided me with something weirdly or wonderfully exciting.  I've witnessed things ranging from a rabbit being sheared on a medieval style torture rack to 2000ft snow peaked mountains shooting vertically out of the sea. I've taken part in a welly throwing competition, learnt the Haka and watched men hunt deer by jumping on them from helicopters. I've also been bitten by more sand flies than I care to remember but this really hasn't mattered as I've had so much to distract me from the itching that I'm almost happy to feed the little fellas.

The Extreme Adventures Of.........

Well things really have turned a little exciting in the last couple of days, I've had an action packed week to say the very least. For a start I learnt to surf. I'm certainly not renowned for my technical prowess, my sporting abilities tend to rely in clumsily hitting things as hard as possible, but I actually took to surfing relatively quickly. I did end up drinking a fair bit of sea water in the learning process but eventually I was standing and catching most waves. I don't think I'll be catching any tsunamis any time soon but I shall definitely be surfing again in the future given the chance. After that little experience I thought I'd keep the adrenalin pumping with a spot of white water rafting. A group of 6 of the people from the bus got kitted up in various wetsuits and buoyancy aides and after a quick lesson on death avoidance we went for a paddle. The Kaitiaki river is a grade 5 white water experience, I'm not sure what that really means but its bloody exciting. We started off learning the paddling basics backwards, forwards hold-on-tight & brace-here-comes-a-20ft-waterfall. So after an hour cruising through a selection of fast moving rapids it came to the big finale. I got myself all rehearsed and psyched up for the fall but it didn't do much good, as the raft went down it folded in two and I smacked my teeth on the persons helmet in front of me and split my lip open. It was well worth it though despite the fat lip and minor blood loss. Then finally just to top it all off I jumped out of a plane and done a gentle bit of skydiving. At 1500ft above lake Taupo, it seemed quite along way down. But after only 70 seconds of free-fall and 4 minutes of gleeful parachuting I managed to land safely. I got a DVD made of me doing it but until I figure a way of getting that on the website and editing out the expletives, you shall have to put up with the pictures from the ground. I've only been in New Zealand a few weeks now but I'm truly amazed by this country. The scenery, the people, the activities, the cultures and even just the fresh air are unlike anything I've witnessed or experienced before. I'm now chalking up a few stamps in the old passport from various places around the world but at the moment I'd have to say New Zealand is currently in pole position. Its a bit of a cliché and I know its been said a thousand times before, but I can clearly see why people call New Zealand the 8th wonder of the world. I'm off to the south island tomorrow and things are only meant to get better from there. I can hardly contain my excitement, something I only just about managed to whilst jumping from a plane in my borrowed overalls, so until then why not take a look at the photos.

On The Road Again

After a nice little trip from Melbourne to Auckland featuring one of the finest in-flight meals I've ever sampled (Smoked Salmon with buttered vegetables), I landed safely in New Zealand and the adventures are now back on track. My flight arrived quite late but luckily for me, my highly esteemed and much missed companion Rory had booked me a bed in his hostel so I made my way from the Airport and we were once again reunited. We popped out for a few drinks, had a bit of a catch up then I got to bed early in eager anticipation of what New Zealand had to offer.

Rory had already booked his ticket for the Stray bus, a bus which allows you to travel up and down New Zealand for a year and jump-on/jump-off whenever you wish. So the next morning I booked mine and together we spent the day looking at the various tacky tourist spots Auckland had to offer. I can't say I'm a massive fan of the place, I found it to be a bit of a dive, so with the promise of free food waiting for us at the hostel we swiftly headed back and placed our order. Over dinner we discussed our plans for the next few days and Rory told me about some of the activities he had been up to and how much he'd enjoyed them. He then informed me of his plans to get a job at Eaton Vale activity centre upon his return to England, but due to his complete lack of experience in the industry he would understand if they started him on something simple like manning the Tuck shop until he got trained up on the full 10 meter abseil. Safe in the Knowledge Rory's 3 years at university and his degree in Law wasn't going to waste, we finished up our food and packed for the bus leaving the next morning.

After a minor hiccup, that nearly stranded Rory in crappy Auckland, all was well so we placed our bags on the coach and away we went with a host of new travelling companions. We were pretty surprised when we bumped into one lad we met in Bangkok over 4 months ago, so we said hello to him and the rest of the bus, as we made our way to our first destination. As well as the simply amazing scenery outside, Rory and I were provided with some fascinating entertainment from two Essex girls sat adjacent to us who between them would struggle to beat Jade Goodie in a game of counting. We could hear their conversation, as could most people within a mile radius, and were unable to believe most things we heard. At one point we stopped at a Fruit and Veg stall for some refreshments and after everyone had got a few things together we jumped back on the bus. At this point I heard one of the girls say "Oh my God, right. Your meant to be on a on a diet. I can't believe we just stopped at a veg stall and you brought crisps!" This was followed by the justification - "Oh my God, right. They're like 100% potato and all vegetables are healthy and good for you". I'm sure there will be more to come from these Clowns, I'll keep you informed.

Technical Difficulties

If you're reading this you probably haven't been effected but I've only just been informed that the www.jamespeel.info link to the website has been faulty and not working for the last couple of weeks.

I'm trying to resolve the issue but it seems to be taking a little longer to fix than I had hoped. Until I do find a solution the The Adventures of James Peel will be available at www.james-peel.blogspot.com

So if you could forward this message to all your friends and family who no doubt read this page routinely, it would be greatly appreciated.

I apologise sincerely for the inconvenience,

Many Thanks,

James (Editor)

Tasmanian Delivery

About 2 weeks ago at work the management of Soccer Crazy informed us Melbourne Victory, the local football team, would be playing a pre-season friendly a little way across the sea in Tasmania. They also mentioned that as we conduct all the merchandising for the team, one of us would have to travel to Launceston in the north of the island and set up a small stall for the supporters at the game.  With my extensive experience in the deliveries industry, working knowledge of Marquee erection and passion for all-expenses paid business trips, I was proved the ideal candidate. I thought this was an ideal opportunity to get back into the swing of travelling, as in less than a weeks time ill be leaving Melbourne temporarily and living out of a backpack once again. So late on Friday night I set sail for Tasmania to conduct a little overseas business. The Spirit of Tasmania, the Australian equivalent to the Dover to Calais ferry, set sail from Melbourne port at 9pm so after loading the van I drove down to the sea front and the mini-adventure began.
It turned out the Ferry was running slightly late by a mere 4 hours, so I had a little time to kill. Luckily the gentleman next to me in the queue was in the mood for a chat and loved nothing better than boring the pants of anyone who would listen, so he sat explaining the intricacies of fly fishing for the duration. What felt like 1 month later, we boarded the boat and 30 minutes after that we set sail. I'd been booked into a lovely little twin cabin with a porthole view, but due to the fact it was night time, pitch black outside and we were in the middle of the Bass straight there was little of interest to see out of the window so I went to explore the ship. The Spirit of Tasmania is a big old boat, it has a cinema, a casino and 4 bars on board. I parked myself at one of these, had a few night caps and stumbled, due to stormy seas, back to bed.
The next morning I arrived in Tasmania and after leaving the boat I made the 1 hour journey across the island to Launceston. By the time I eventually arrived I was ravenous so I found a little cafe and sat down for a bite to eat and a coffee. After a rather filling meal I asked the waitress what she suggested a tourist such as myself should do in Launceston and she recommended a visit to the local gorge. She advised me it would only take 1 hour and 45 minutes so I set off and hiked my way along the river. Despite it being the middle of winter in Tasmania the weather was really quite lovely and the views along the river were about as picturesque as they come. At the halfway point of the walk I got to cross the river along a tiny little suspension bridge that literally swayed with every step I took. It was a little like something out of an Indiana Jones movie but instead of being constructed from frail rope and bolsa wood it was made from metal cables thicker than my arms, so I felt reasonably safe.
By the time I'd got back from the walk it was time to check into the hotel so I popped back to the cafe, thanked the waitress for her suggestion, picked up the van and drove across town to my splendidly lavish 5 star hotel, the Sebel. Apparently the Tasmanian tourism industry is really struggling at the moment with the current economic situation and with it being winter, so the hotels are all offering fantastic rates. I'd have been happy with a youth hostel but when work deemed it necessary to book and pay for Tasmania's equivalent to Buckingham Palace, who was I to to argue. Ill admit, I felt a little out of place walking up to reception in my tracksuit bottoms having just parked a white transit van in the car park next to a selection of Mercedes and BMW's, but luckily I wasn't asked to use the service entrance and the concierge was rather pleasant. She advised me that although Soccer Crazy had paid for the room, the hotel was under strict instructions that any extras i.e. items from the mini bar or brown paper movies, had to be charged to my credit card. It was at this point I discovered why the booking was so cheap, they ran their hotel like a cinema. Although it was reasonably cheap to get in, they quadrupled the prices of everything inside like they do with popcorn. The Sebel wanted $25 for Internet access, $40 to have sky sports in my room and even offered to fill my bath up with hot milk for $100. I quite clearly didn't have an entourage of hungry cats or hedgehogs with me, so quite why she offered me a bath full of warm milk is still something of a mystery. After a few hours of messing about with various gadgets and phoning reception to check which items were complimentary and which I had to pay for, I left the Sebel and went for a walk round town. It turned out that Launceston becomes vacant after dark, either that or the entire town was playing hide and seek with me. I couldn't find one pub, restaurant or even a cinema for entertainment so eventually I had to retire back to the hotel room, phone reception for the 2nd time to ensure that watching terrestrial TV wasn't going to cost me and sat watching Mighty Ducks 2 until I fell asleep.
Bang on 6am the next morning I received my wake up call from reception and immediately jumped in the shower to get ready for the days events. The weather had taken a turn for the worst overnight and it was now miserably cold and wet. None-the-less the Marquee wasn't going to erect itself so I parked the van in such a way that I could use the headlights as a giant torch and started piecing it all together. Just as I was about to finish the security guard strolled over and offered a hand. I'm sure he'd been watching and waiting for me to finish as his timing was impeccable. Despite this, he was friendly enough and as there was nothing else to do until people started to arrive, he poured me a coffee and sat in the van to keep me company. About the same time as the sun decided to show, so did the fans and soon I was inundated with customers buying merchandise for the game. Luckily the weather picked up and by the time my manager Mark arrived from his flight things were looking up. The day flew by as we were kept relatively busy and soon it was time to pack up and leave. I dropped Mark of at the airport and then made the 100km drive back to Devonport where my next hotel was booked for that evening.
This hotel wasn't quite as plush as the Sebel but it was your classic motel looking establishment which brought it a certain amount of charm. I felt a lot more at home here as it was full of single males in vans and I soon settled in.  About 2 hours later I got a tap on the shoulder and turned round to find my Fly fishing mate from the queue standing behind me. He said "I thought that was you so I thought I'd come over and say Hi". And say "Hi" he did for the next 2 hours until I unintentionally fell asleep. I woke up about 30 minutes later and felt terribly rude but luckily matey was so busy being boring he hadn't noticed I'd been snoozing off for the past 30 minutes. I made an excuse about smelling petrol and popped outside to check if it was my van and never returned.
On the way home I remembered why me and boats don't really get along. The trip over was during the night so I managed to sleep for the majority of it, on the way back I was awake for the duration. I've never been a big fan of boats especially in rough seas, 10 hours I spent swaying from left to right, up and down. Never have I felt so sick for such an extended amount of time. I'd worked my way through an entire packet of Travelets and was sucking on as many ice cubes as I could fit in my mouth but neither were aiding me a great deal, at one stage I actually thought I was going blind. Luckily one of the crew noticed I was suffering so she got me some super strength tranquillisers and  they knocked me out for an hour or two. Eventually We arrived back in Melbourne and I got back on dry land like a shot. I promise myself that would be the last time I go on any boats for a while, I could really do with keeping my eyesight.

Rumour Confirmation

My Adventures began on the 16th January 2009 and today marks the 6 month anniversary of my departure from British soil. It's been a quite fantastic journey so far and one I feel isn't quite ready to finish just yet. Lately I've been made aware of a rumour circulating around Wymondham that I may never return, so I thought it was about time I cleared the matter up.
Next month I leave for New Zealand to be reunited with Rory and from there we travel to China, which was always the plan. From Beijing we were supposed to fly home to England and I believe Rory still intends to do this. However, I don't feel too excited about the prospect of returning to the real world just yet so I've decided to extend my travels until further notice. I have a working Visa here in Australia until March 2010 and a job that I thoroughly enjoy, so initially I intend to see my visa out. I've also been fortunate enough to be offered sponsorship so I may even be able to stay a little longer with any luck. After Australia I shall have to see where my money can take me. I'm extremely interested in a visit to South America and have a tour of Europe pencilled in for the return stretch, but if there is one thing I've learnt thus far its to take each day as it comes and try not to make too many plans.
As for a return to Wymondham, I can honestly say I'm looking forward to it already. I'm certainly not homesick in the slightest, but there are a few things I miss. The Feathers, the football teams, friends and family. But for the moment they shall have to wait as the world is a big place and there is still a lot more of it I wish to see before I return.
Until then, please keep in touch as I love reading your emails and hearing feedback about the website.

Pet Costumes

Dear Sir/Madame,

I am writing to enquire about a new costume for my pet.

I was recently out walking when I noticed a rival pet owner had dressed his silly little chow chow in a sailors costume. I'm not one for being out done, so I made a costume of my own and dressed my pet up as Danny Zuko, leader of the T-birds from the film Grease, and took him out for a walk.
Unbeknown to me, several of the studs had fallen off his leather jacket so it read T- irds. As you can imagine this was extremely embarrassing and I soon became a laughing stock. I now need a professionally made costume so that I can regain my credibility
and hold my head up high.
All the costumes I have found thus far don't fit very well around his little legs, do you stock anything may fit the bill? I'm preferably looking for a military or cowboy style outfit but this is not essential.
I look forward to your response,

B. Goswold

- - -

Hi Bonaparte,

Thankyou for your interest in our store.
It was refreshing to read your email, but regrettably, at this stage we haven't ventured into pet costumes. I have however, copied our Purchasing officer onto this email for review/consideration on future purchases.
Please do not hesitate to contact me should you have any further queries.

Kind Regards,
Silvia
Customer Service Team Leader


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Check out www.oo.com.au Australia's
           Largest online Megastore...
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- - -

Dearest Silvia,

Many thanks for your super fast response! What a shame about the costumes, I thought your company would be a dead cert, especially as you came highly recommended by my father-in-law, Nigel. But it doesn't really matter now as I gave Clive, the pet dog, to a travelling circus last week. He has been nothing but an embarrassment since the park incident so I sent him packing, like John Merrick in the film Elephant Man.

I like the picture you have created from letters at the bottom of your email, very creative.

I had ago at letter painting earlier but all I could come up with was this:
           ?
____/\_____
Its a coat hanger.
Do you have any other letter paintings, both Nigel & I loved the last one.

B Goswold

- - -

Bonaparte,
You're more than welcome and I apologise again for our lack of stock. I'm a little shocked to hear you gave Clive away, I do hope he's being looked after.
Thanks for the coat hanger, I guessed it straight away. But sadly, I don't have any more "Letter Painting" I'm afraid. I'll keep a lookout as I sometimes get them sent to me from other customers.
If you have any other queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Kind Regards,
Silvia

- - -

Silvia,
Firstly, I can assure you Clive is being very well looked after. Last I heard he was in Paris being fired out of a canon into a giant net type contraption. He always did enjoy flying, I once took him to Turkey for a holiday and his tail didn't stop shaking for 6 whole hours after we landed.
I've been looking for books in the local library on letter painting, but its practically impossible to find any information on it at all.
Does your company stock any books on the subject?
B. Goswold

END of CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Sir/Madame,

While I was working for the NHS before leaving England, a friendly colleague of mine introduced me to Robin Cooper. Robin Cooper spent many years writing to various companies and clubs asking the randomest of questions in the hope of puzzled replies. Strangely enough he got quite a few so he published them all in a book called "Time wasters letters", a book I would recommended to anyone.
With this as my inspiration, and many hours to fill at work, I started to compose my own letters under the pseudonym of Bonaparde Goswold and was equally surprised when I started to receive responses. Below is an example of Mr B. Goswolds work and some of the replies he received.
Keyboards

Dear Sir/Madame,
After a recent discussion with my Feng-shui consultant, I was advised to ditch my computer keyboard as it was causing my polarity to be drawn dangerously close towards Yang.
Without thinking of the consequences, I disposed of the offending article and it has only made things worse. Each time I wish to compose an e-mail I now have to trawl the Internet and using my mouse, have to copy and paste each word individually. As you can imagine this is an extremely laborious and time consuming task.
I need a replacement keyboard ASAP as I get the distinct impression I'm starting to develop a Repetitive-Strain-Injury in my right wrist.
Do you stock stainless steel keyboards?
B. Goswold
P.s. To stress my frustration, It's just taken me 47 minutes to compose this email.

- - -

Mr Goswold,

I dont want to sound like a sceptic or disrespect your beliefs... but... sounds like hogwash to me.
There are various keyboards that have different feels to them or are more ergonomically designed than others so it might be an idea to get a 'feel' for a few different keyboards to decide which one is most comfortable to you.
It is certainly totally non-practical and a ridiculous suggestion to use cut and paste your way through the internet.
Regards
Paul

- - -

Hello Paul,
Many thanks for your quick response, you must already own a keyboard!
Since our last correspondence I've developed a real knack for Copy and Pasting but I think it would still be a good idea to get a new keyboard. I like the idea of an ergonomically designed one, I always like to do my bit for the environment. I went to 'feel' a few keyboards in PC world yesterday but I 'felt' like a bit of a weirdo, they all 'feel' pretty much the same to be honest, Plasticy.
While I was out I also popped into a piano store and 'felt' a few keyboards there. Do you stock anything in Ivory/Ebony?
B. Goswold
P.s. Only 32 minutes, told you I'm getting better!

- - -

Mr Goswold,
I'm starting to feel your wasting my time as well as your own. We stock a large collection of keyboards but they are all composed of plastic. I'm afraid I can not help you any further.
Regards,
Paul
Another World Computer Centre

- - -

Hello Paul from Another World Computer Centre,
What a company name, you kept that quiet the first time! I can't find you on Google maps anywhere, which world exactly is your company located?
Quick question is the plastic recycled? I know how ergonomically friendly your company is.
B. Goswold

END of CORRESPONDENCE

Mr B. Goswold is becoming quite prolific and has over 10 active email conversations currently in circulation around the globe.
Next week's chapter - Pet Costumes.

Possum Problems

Welsh Gareth and I are having a torrid time clearing small spherical craps from our shoes each and every time we walk to my front door. This is due to the fact we have an abundance of pesky possums living in our garden.

The only suggestion we have had so far is to grow chilies everywhere as a deterrent but I feel that may be bit of an old wives tale, also I'm not much or a horticulturist. If anyone else has ever experienced this problem and has managed to get rid of them, any advice is welcome.

Bulldog & Sicky's Visit

This week I've had the absolute pleasure of hosting two of my very best of friends from my university days, as well as having the opportunity to show them a few of the sights and sounds Melbourne has to offer.

Bulldog and Sicky arrived with good intentions. They spent the entire morning hunting for Soccer Crazy so that they could surprise me by turning up at the store unannounced, but sadly things didn't go entirely to plan. The thing is, I don't actually work in a store called Soccer Crazy. Soccer Crazy is just a pseudo name I use for privacy reasons. You see I don't want people knowing too much about me, in a world of cyber crimes and identity theft you can never be too safe. So these two poor men walked between almost every soccer store in Melbourne before they eventually turned up in my shop. I must say it was worth the extra effort, I was indeed surprised and extremely grateful to see them.
They had spent the last 2 months travelling through Thailand and the east coast of Australia so they both looked extremely well but in good need of a haircut so I recommended Dr Follicle and told them I'd meet them in the local after work. We sat down had a few pots, caught up on recent events and reminisced about the past until we were all shattered and ready for bed.

As mentioned in an earlier post, my new apartment is stuck in 1989 and it comes with a wonderful example of an eggshell spa. I'd been wanting to try this out since I moved in and this was as good of an opportunity as ever, so in keeping with the 80's theme I knocked up a few White Russians and we all jumped in. I'll be honest, it's not made for 3 fully grown males, it's not even made for two, but after a few twister type moves we managed to squeeze in. My universal travel plug (I knew it would come in handy eventually) was only just big enough to fill to plug hole, so the slightest of nudges and we lost water at an alarming rate. This happened approximately once every 2 minutes causing the water level to drop below that of the water jets resulting in the bathroom floor receiving a quick watering. Each time this happened Bulldog, who had drawn the short straw and was sat beneath the tap, had to stand up and receive a splash of boiling water to the feet until the level was high enough for him to sit back down again. By the time we had finished there was more water on the floor than there was in the spa and there were bubbles everywhere.

Before I they arrived I had arranged to attend a leaving party at my Australian friends house as he is soon leaving to visit the UK. We had to get the train to his house as it was good 35 minutes outside of Melbourne and when we eventually arrived in Brighton we spent another 15 minutes walking around lost and asking directions from strangers. Eventually we turned up at the party and were quite impressed with what we found. It turned out that my friend lived in a house that could easily be confused with a castle, it was huge. I've never seen a house quite like it. Anyhow, we drank our embarrassingly cheap larger's out of tins, ate our fair share of vol-au-vents, and left before anyone thought we were the cleaners. On the way home we sat in the train station waiting for about 20 minutes before I got a little impatient and when to find out when the next train arrived. I pressed the button that advertised train information and I was greeted by an automated message stating "There are no more trains departing from this station today". Typical.

Eventually we managed to find our way back to Melbourne and met up with Spuffs and a few of our other friends and spent the night reliving university days. I hope they enjoyed themselves as much as I have this week, I've not laughed so much in a long time. If anyone else fancies a few nights free of charge in Melbourne staying in my humble abode, knock yourselves out, the more the merrier*.
*Booking fee's may apply.

The New (Old) Apartment

After the emotional departure of Rory I had to find a new place to live. Luckily Welsh Gareth from the Soccer shop also needed to find a new place so the search began. After contacting a local landlord who owned a few properties, we got picked up from work and went to view a few that fell within our budget. We started off by looking at what can only be described as a crack den, it reminded me of something from the film Trainspotting. As we were looking around the flat Welsh Gareth came across a large DVD collection and gave me a funny look, so I went over to investigate. I only required a quick glimpse of the box containing “Busty Babes 4” to understand Welsh Gareth’s queer look and on that note we left sharply. Call me picky, but I’d prefer not to sleep on urine stained mattresses or share a flat with the entire content of blockbusters adult selection.
Luckily we found somewhere to suit our needs and I can quite honestly say, our new place is possibly one of the best apartments in Melbourne, the best apartment that hasn't been updated since 1989 anyhow. It's like the place is stuck in a time warp, all the appliances are practically brand new and have hardly ever been used. The only problem is that they were brand new back I was 3 years old. I don't actually mind the decor, I'm a big fan of retro, but most people who visit do find it amusing. I can't decide which aspect of it is my personal favourite, whether its the salmon kitchen or the mirrored walls in the bedroom. It's not all bad however, it does come with a brown dish washer, Star Trek style gas Hobbs, tennis courts and a swimming pool and is reasonably cheap for the facilities it has.
The worst part of it all is that it's only one bedroom so me and Welsh Gareth came to a compromise. He pays more and gets the bedroom and I pay less and sleep in the lounge. This has worked fantastically well so far as he has a girlfriend and is hardly ever at home, so I get free reign most nights. The down side is that I can get a little too comfortable and recent events has left his girlfriend holding me in very much the same regard as say Spike from Notting Hill. I've been caught in just my pants cooking dinner on several occasions and I've even had the misfortune of falling asleep on the sofa, yet again in my pants, in front of the television only to be woken up by them coming through the door an hour later. It's not the fact I fell asleep in front of the TV in my underwear that I found embarrassing. It was the fact the the documentary I was watching on blue whales had long finished and there was now something far bluer on the screen.

The MCG

Me and my colleagues from the soccer store managed to get hold of some free tickets for the final game of the Socceroos qualifying campaign at the MCG last night. The MCG is an amazing stadium, it holds over 100,000 people when full. Last nights attendance was just shy at nearly 70,000 but it still made for an amazing atmosphere. The only annoyance was that Australia have already qualified, as have Japan, so they both decided to field reserve teams. The football was atrocious, absolutely appalling, I was actually surprised at how bad they were. But luckily for me the MCG crowd supplied me with 90 minutes worth of entertainment to make up for the shocking match.

In Australia drinking is allowed at sports venues. You can go to the MCG buy a pint and sit back and enjoy the match with a beer. I think this is a splendid idea and it also gets the fans going. About 10 minutes into the game a man about 10 seats away from me produced a trumpet from under his coat and started playing a few anthems. This was soon stopped by the stewards and they started to escort the gentleman out of the ground. Within moments there were boo’s targeting the stewards and the crowd started chanting “Let him play, Let him play”. The stewards at this point let the man play one last song to which he received a standing ovation then the stewards ejected him from the ground. That was the start of the crowd vs steward war. People started to collect plastic cups from their empty beers and stack them into “snakes”. The snakes would then get passed along a row and everybody would add their empty cups to the bottom. The stewards yet again tried to get involved but they couldn’t keep up with the crowd and the snakes started to reach tremendous lengths. The crowd then started singing “You can’t stop the snake, you can’t stop the snake” to the tune of "We are top of the league".

With about 5 minutes to go the MCG crowd secured a worthy victory against their oppressors. A big bald security guard had a young girl by the arm and was dragging her out of the stand when someone started singing “Is she really going out with him” by Joe Jackson and soon everyone was joining in. The match finished, MCG Crowd 3 - Stewards 0.

The New Face of Japanese Television

This week Japan are playing Australia in a world cup qualifier at the MCG in Melbourne so the Japanese national team have flown over to prepare for the game. Along with the team and the fans, the media have also come in search of a story and it just so happens they came across me. I was at work on Sunday morning when a film crew just popped in and asked if I would do an interview for Japanese television. They obviously didn't have a clue I wasn't Australian or that I wasn't even a fan but I thought I'd do it none the less. They started off with a few easy ones like "Which jerseys do you sell most of?" and "Do you think Tim Cahill will have a big influence on the match?". They than started asking me all sorts like "What was my view on the growing popularity of soccer in Australia" and "Where I thought soccer would be in 5 years time". After they had finished asking all their questions the interview lasted over 30 minutes. The director said that I was so articulate he had to keep the camera rolling. If I ever get bored of selling Soccer merchandise, apparently I could earn good money in Japan as a pundit. It's probably not worth packing in the day job just yet as he also mentioned I'd need to be fluent it Japanese.

P.s. They made me wear the scarf.

The Great Ocean Road

After nearly 5 months of travelling together,  sleeping in the same room and sometimes even the same bed, my compadre Rory is finally leaving me. His girlfriend is coming to visit so we are parting company for a a few weeks until we meet again in New Zealand. This weekend was a bank holiday in Australia which meant both Rory and I had a few days off work. Our housemates had both gone gallivanting around the country and we didn't fancy another weekend in Melbourne so we decided to go on a little adventure. For quite some time now we have been weighing up the idea of travelling along the the southern coast of Victoria but just never got round to it. I managed to chalk up over 60 hours last week so I was practically swimming in money, compared to the last few months anyhow, and Rory's impending departure meant this would be his last opportunity, so we gathered together the essentials and headed towards the Great Ocean Road.

The Great Ocean Road is a 200 odd kilometre stretch of road between Torquay and Warrnambool on the south coast of Victoria. The B100, as it's known on the map, was originally constructed by the government to provide soldiers returning from WW1 with employment. I read somewhere that the great ocean road provides one of the most picturesque drives on the planet and I'd have to agree.

We spent the morning winding along the coast and taking in the scenery. I've already witnessed Rory behind the wheel of a hire vehicle, so in the interest of public safety I decided to do all the driving myself. Constantly concentrating on avoiding death made it very difficult to take any photos, so I though I'd leave Rory in charge of all camera operations. After about an hour we pulled over to take a break . It was at this point that I discovered my sidekick had managed to take about 100 pictures all of which containing at least half a shot of either a windscreen wiper or a wing mirror. He was relieved of his duties immediately.

Due to budget restriction we were unable to book any accommodation so we were forced to sleep in the car. To make things a little more comfortable, we popped to the bottle shop and got ourselves a crate of beers before settling down for the night on the beach front. We sat laughing and chatting away for a good 4 hours before eventually falling asleep and 8 hours later we woke up to find the ocean in front of us. It really was quite spectacular.

We eventually made our way home and dropped the rental car off. I'd just spent two days in nobody's company but Rory's and when I dropped him off I realised how much I'm going to miss the little fella. Despite the fact he can't take photos, he really is a great friend and he'll be sadly missed while he's away. I just hope for his and his girlfriends sake he doesn't hire any motorbikes.

State of Origin

One of the benefits of my new job is that I can get complimentary tickets for almost any sporting event in Melbourne. Not only are the tickets I get free of charge but they are also corporate tickets, which tends to mean the seats are in premium locations. Last night I was lucky enough to get tickets to the first game of the State of Origin series at the Ethiad stadium. The State of Origin Series is huge in Australia and the concept is simply brilliant. Its a Rugby league match between Queensland and New South Wales, arguably the two biggest rugby states in Australia, and all the players from each team have to be born in the state they represent. The English equivalent would be taking the 11 best professional footballers born in the north of England and playing them against the 11 best from the south. As you can imagine, things get a little heated from time to time, and if you put that aggression into a rugby league match then the steroid induced sparks fly.

My colleagues from soccer fever and I went to the game straight from work and to get into the spirit of things we decided to support Queensland and wear something maroon. There was a selection of scarves and jerseys left over from old stock, so the guys grabbed them and I drew the short straw and had to wear a maroon scrum cap. Anyhow, we headed of to the game, stopping for a quick beverage on route, and found our seats at the ground. As usual they were fantastic seats on the front row of the 2nd tier, the game was pretty impressive too. I've not been to many Rugby matches in my life, in-fact this was my first, and I'm not overly familiar with the rules of Rugby league, but I thoroughly enjoyed the game. You could tell the players really wanted to win by the commitment of in tackles and the way they celebrated when they scored.

After the match I headed home and realised I had forgotten my keys. Luckily for me, the bedroom window was left open so I started to pull myself through. About half way, I encountered big Irish housemate Dave looking very aggressive. Turns out, he thought I was a burglar and was about to attack me. I suppose the scrum hat could have come in handy after all.

Office Boredom

My current job can be extremely tedious at times. Today for example we only managed $20 of trade all day, a single pair of child's socks. This means we have to amuse ourselves in any way we can. Luckily for my colleagues and even if I say so myself, I have an amazing knack for inventing games. So far I've introduced the guys to such corkers as:

• Personality Guess Who - In very much the same way as normal Guess Who, each player takes it in turns to ask questions about their opponents selected character. The only difference is that you can't ask questions about their appearance, only their personality. For example, "Is this person on the sex offenders register?" or "Do they hold a grudge?". Considering there's technically no right or wrong answers, its amazing how often you can get it right.
• European Stationary Battleships - Using two identical maps of Europe, 2 rubbers, 2 rounds of staples, 2 bottles of Tipex and and 2 paperclips, each player takes it in turns to drop bombs on European countries and try to destroy their opponents strategically positioned stationary army.
• Water Bottle Bowling - Exactly as the title suggests, bowling at water bottles. To spice things up try using a rugby ball.
• Hot Pie Russian Roulette - Get a pack of 6 mini pies from the supermarket and heat them all in the microwave until warm. Remove 5 of them and put the remaining pie back in for another 5 minutes until its filling is the similar in temperature to molten lava. Put them all back on the plate and let the microwave spin for about 15 seconds longer, until the extra hot pie's position is unknown. all players then have to pick a pie up and put it in there mouths simultaneously. The looser is the person who receives 2nd degree burns to their tongue and palate.

I'm sure there are plenty more where they come from. When I come up with more I'll let you know the rules so you too can get through those boring moments at work.

Pros & Cons

This morning I was making a cup of tea when I noticed that our kettle was totally devoid of Limescale. This got me thinking about all the Pros and Cons of residing in Australia. 
Pros

• No Limescale in kettle
• Better economy
• Charity shops are more affectionately referred to as 'Opportunity shops'
• Grow nearly all their own fruit
• Realistically priced car insurance
• Marsupials
• Generally Warmer
• Zuccini sounds better than Couchette
• Bogans dress far better the the British equivalent, chavs
• Aborigines
• Less obesity

Cons

• Football is aired at unsociable hours
• Use the word pants incorrectly
• Healthcare not provided (Only a half point due to shoddy NHS)
• Bug nets for doors
• I'm less famous on the Melbourne scene than in Wymondham
• Public houses are scarce
• Men are very competitive
• Big spiders
• Orange juice only available by the gallon
• I'm technically classed as an immigrant while on their soil

I'm still undecided on which is better, this will be an ongoing matter.

Weather

I feel a little hard done by with the weather lately. It's freezing here and has been for the past few weeks. When I think of Australia I think of BBQ's, Beaches and people in flip flops. The only reason you would require a BBQ here at the moment would be to sit around camp fire style to keep warm.

The most annoying thing about this terrible weather is that back home everybody keeps telling me how warm it is. That is typical, I travel to Australia for a bit of sun and I'd of had more chance of finding it in Great Yarmouth.

Commuting

My commute to work each day takes around 30 minutes through one of Melbourne's most cosmopolitan areas. I take the #78 tram which runs along Chapel Street from St Kilda, where I live, through to Richmond in the north of the city where I work. I could get the train which would only take about 10 minutes but I quite enjoy popping my Ipod on and reading a chapter or two before work. The other benefit of the #78 tram is that its always rammed with interesting and colourful characters. Chapel Street is packed with pubs, bars and restaurants which are always busy and vibrant. One club called Revolver is almost always going strong especially weekends. It opens on a Thursday evening and doesn't close until Monday morning at 7am and its not uncommon for people to put in the full 4 day shift. 9 times out of 10 there will be some form of in-flight entertainment provided by the people of Chapel Street. I've witnessed all sorts, a woman divorcing her husband over the phone, a prostitute fall asleep eating an onion ring, a old woman knitting a giant male doll (You could tell it was male due to the giant penis and testicles she had crafted him) and I've even met an senile man who swore blind he was Malcolm Glazers brother in law. This particular gentleman also informed me that Princess Diana was having a passionate affair with Elton John before she died and the only time he had ever visited England was in 1966 when he received his knighthood after he graduated from Oxford with the highest grade ever achieved. After knowing the man 5 minutes it was quite clear the only thing he had ever actually achieved was the art of talking complete shite to strangers.

Close Quarters

I am quite willing to admit that I'm not the best person to share a bedroom with. I've had numerous reports from Rory that after a few drinks I tend to breath a little heavier than usual. Ill even admit to the odd case of bedtime flatulence, especially on my current supermarket basics diet. But all of this bares little significance in comparison to our housemate Matt. Matt is a snorer, and a fantastic one at that. I've heard some snorers in my time but this lad truly takes top prize. I know what your thinking, "Why don't you just buy ear plugs?". Well I've tried that and slept like a baby, didn't hear a thing. I didn't even hear my alarm in the morning which resulted in me being nearly 2 hours late for work.
My saving grace is the bunk bed situation, I'm on top and Matt sleeps below. Now every time I get woken up by his snoring, I just jump out of bed and shake the ladder as much as is necessary to wake him up. It works every time without fail.

Dr Follicle

It's been a while since I last had my hair cut and I was starting to look a little tramp like, so I decided to go and get a trim. Rory had his annual butchering last week at the local Kwick Kuts but after seeing the outcome I thought I'd give them a miss. I'm not overly picky when it comes to getting my hair cut but I try to stick to a few basic rules. Firstly it has to be cheap, which is why my mother normally gets the job back home. Secondly they have to be a men's barbers as I'm always worried I might end up with bleached blonde highlights or a loose perm if I go anywhere remotely feminine or fancy. And finally, I like to try and find somewhere with a classic red and white barbers pole outside. The last one is by no means essential but I always feel safer in the hands of someone that adheres to tradition in the hope that they wont attempt anything radical on me.
In the St Kilda area where I live there are literally 100's of hairdressers so I could afford to be picky. After only 5 minutes of hunting I found a place that seemed to tick all the boxes, even the barbers pole, so I went in and sat down. The barber was called Dr Follicles which impressed me immediately, I felt safe in the knowledge that the man standing behind me with a pair of sharp scissors was qualified with a PhD. Anyhow, the doctor made me a cup of green tea and set to work on the hair. I was a little concerned that he hadn't asked me what I wanted doing, but he seemed like he knew what he was up to so I just let him get on with it.
After 25 minutes of faffing around with various stainless steel utensils he was all finished. The result was your run of the mill, short back and sides which my mum can normally achieve with a pair of clippers in approximately 2 minutes. The only thing bloody Follicles had in common with a doctor was the money he charged for the consultation.

All Work And No Play Makes James A Dull Boy

First of all, apologies for the lack of posts over the past week or so. I've been working solidly at the shop which has resulted in a distinct lack of adventure for me to tell you about. On the positive side it has resulted in a rather large quantity of $'s being deposited into my bank account. Its now only a matter off time until the adventures recommence and I for one will be extremely grateful when they do.

As a form of apology I've decided to treat my loyal fans to a full week of short posts. That's 7 seven posts in 7 days. I know, I can hardly contain my excitement either.