Birthday Cake & Jelly

Coincidently, today was not only Rory's Birthday but Spuff's as well. I wanted to buy them a little something to share but wasn't sure quite what to get. After a little deliberating I settled for the very cheap and highly impractical option of baking them a cake. I've never baked a cake before in my life but am always open to new experiences so I found a recipe and went shopping. When I got back to the apartment I discovered that Spuff didn't even own scales or a measuring jug so things weren't looking promising. I estimated the quantities of all the ingredient and chucked them in a bowl, gave it a stir with a fork and popped it in a lightly margarined ceramic bowl.

After an exciting 45 minutes in the oven I removed the bowl to discover I had just created a new chocolate based culinary delight shared a consistently similar to that of cottage cheese. A little bit of a disaster I must admit, but I soldiered on regardless and masked the treat with icing sugar, 100's & 1000's and party candles.

After my experiment with baking hideously failed, we decided to go out for a meal at the local casino. Every night they put on a global buffet for $20 (£10), which basically comprises of one dish form each culture around the world. A good idea in principal but it doesn't quite work. For example, last night they had roast beef, carbonara, lamb curry, dim sum, meat balls, broccoli soup, lumps of pumpkin and tiny steak & kidney party pies. All reasonable foods in their own right, but how you are meant to create a single meal out of them is something I still haven't figured out.

After eating my way twice around the planet I was feeling a little full, so I settled for something small for desert. For my actions I received a totally uncalled for amount of grief. Despite the vast selection of adult deserts on offer, I'd opted to raid the children's section for jelly and strawberry moose. It did make me look like I was attending a child's birthday party so I tried to justify myself by explaining I was full and didn't think I could manage an adult portion. Rory then claimed jelly didn't fill him up due to it being comprised of mostly water, so I put him to the test.

I went back to the desert section grabbed a nice big birthday bowl and filled it with as much jelly as it could possibly hold. I had to be careful walking it back to the table as it was practically overflowing and wobbling all over the shop. About half way through the task Rory started to slow down but claimed it was the broccoli soup and he just needed a little break. Two spoons later and he was slouched over the table defeated by a child's desert. Poor Rory then had to go home early because he felt so ill.

When we got back to the apartment a few hours later I noticed he hadn't even touched the Birthday cake I'd baked him. Talk about ungrateful.

My Birth Day

00:05 - Rudely awoken by Spuffs house mate Mark to enquire whether I'd like to join him for a birthday shot of Jagermeister in the Kitchen. I declined. I did however discover I had fallen asleep on the rather comfortable shag pile rug in the lounge. To save any future spinal problems I relocated to the marginally less crippling sofa.
04:15 - Woken up again. This time by Spuffs German girlfriend going to work. I don't know what she does for a living, but given the ridiculously unsociable start time I'd hazard a guess at milkman.
07:30 - It was Rory's go this time. He was off to work as well, he's landed himself some weekend overtime digging trenches. Some people get all the fun.
08:15 - Woke up and had 4 Australian whole wheat biscuits (Cheap Wheat-a-Bix) and a cup of tea.
08:30 - Had a shower and a shave. Decided to leave a comedy moustache as its my birthday.
09:15 - Still nobody awake. I have taken it upon myself to do the housework, Mother would be proud. The place is looking immaculate, I've even washed the floor. Its now so clean you could eat your tea of it and unless Spuff buys some plates before the big bash tonight, people will be.
9:40 - Still nobody awake so I've put some music on just loud enough to wake them, but not loud enough for my devious plan to be uncovered.
10:15 - Spuffer woke and came to wish me a Happy Birthday in a distinct lack of clothing. I suppose it is his house. He needs to apply for his second working Visa so I decided to go to the Library with him. Just waiting for my wet jeans to finish in the tumble dryer.
10:17 - Shaved off moustache as it looked ridiculous and Spuff said I look like a paedophile.
10:25 - Spuff has grown impatient so had to leave the house in warm, damp denim. Not exactly ideal clothing for this climate. Got the number 35 free tourist tram across Melbourne. I get this tram everyday and can now recite the tour guides script off by heart, its rather repetitive.
11:00 - Arrived in the library, commenced Ebay listing for the new Fruitskin business enterprise and started hunting for new jobs, just incase. Damp Jeans are starting to chafe. Applied for job on the number 35 tourist tram as a guide. I know the script, between stop 72 and Flinders station, so well that I must stand a reasonable chance.
11:35 - Got a little distracted by an article on Pandas that prefer artificial sweetener to actual sugar. Fascinating.
12:00 - Discovered Spuff's girlfriend works on the market selling farmhouse food products. Who shops at markets before the sunrise?
12:35 - Left the library as Spuff decided he was going to buy me birthday lunch. We found a quaint little sandwich bar and I got a chicken, sundried tomato and avocado focaccia. He didn't look so keen to treat me when the bill came and my sandwich cost $8 (£4).
13:00 - Decided to go shopping on the way home. Spuff got a pair of new shoes which were on offer and I got tempted into the Levis store. Part market Reaserch, part birthday treat, part because the chafing was becoming unbearable. Got a new pair of 501's which were dead cheap for $50 (£25). The lady who served me, made conversation by asking what I was up to this weekend. I said I was job hunting so she offered me a job. I have an interview Monday. Think of the inside info I can get for Fruitskin's Laundry working in a Levis store. Better keep my side project on the low down, don't want to get sacked before I even start.
13:55 - Popped into the supermarket to get some food and drink for the party. Got a good little collection of nibbles together including cocktail sausages, peanuts and a host of beverages.
14:27 - Realised it was a terrible idea to buy copious amounts of shopping after walking around 200 yards away from the super market with 5 bags in each hand. Its a good mile back to the apartment.
14:28 - Forgot party plates so had to run back and get them. Good job I changed into the new Levis before leaving the shop. The embarrassment of having to ask for a bag for my wet jeans is now entirely justified.
14:55 - Got back to the apartment and had a kick about on the balcony until Mark kicked the ball over the wall and it fell 12 stories into a busy street. He is lucky not to have seriously injured anybody.
15:20 - Popped down to the Gym. Jogged, cycled and rowed a total of 11 miles. Which happens to be the approximate distance from Wymondham to Norwich city centre.
16:30 - Had my second shower of the day.
17:15 - Prepared the punch for the party in a big yellow bucket: 1 bottle of Vodka, 1 box of cheap wine, 2 cartons of orange juice, 8 litres of tropical squash and 1 tray of Ice cubes.
18:00 - Walked into town to find an Internet source so I could skype the parents. A total waste of $4 as they weren't at home. Instead I put the pre-purchased Internet time to practical use and updated my Antivirus software.
18:35 - Got a phone call from England. It was mortgage expert and old school friend, Ryan Border calling to wish me a happy birthday. I got all confused when he rang as I was attempting to top up my phone credit and purchase a Mediterranean pasta sauce simultaneously. Had to put Rory on the phone and concentrate on one problem at a time.
18:36 - Topped up phone credit and spoke to Ryan. I made him aware of the 9 hour time difference and he gave me a quick update on Wymondham. Doesn't seem to have changed much.
19:25 - Got home and tasted the punch. Even if I say so myself, it was a wonderful concoction. Rory made tea, tuna and cheese pasta bake. I grew impatient and too hungry to wait for the "bake" so I just had tuna and cheese pasta.
20:15 - Guests started to arrive and enjoy the collection of miniature foods on sticks. People I don't know keep hugging me because its my birthday. Bit of a strange custom, especially when they are overweight men with beards.
20:45 - Used the word "samesies" in a conversation with a reasonably attractive female. With that kind of vocabulary and my up-to-date virus definitions, God knows how I'm still single.
21:00 - Discovered Rory had never heard of the Pied Piper so filled him in in on all the details.
21:25 - Attempted to decipher the ramblings of a drunken Irishman. He was either talking about X-men or X-rays and either liked comics or worked at the hospital. For the sake of humanity I hope its not the latter.
21:50 - Penciled in a Meerkat manor marathon for tomorrow. Back to back episodes of Rory's favourite day time television program.
22:25 - Watched a Swedish man throw a golf ball into the river from the balcony. Quite what he was trying to achieve from this I don't know. I certainly wasn't impressed and it was a waste of a perfectly good golf ball.
22:40 - Had a discussion on various global education systems. In Denmark you have to go to school until your 21 and don't finish university until your 25.
23:00 - Somebody spilt a cup of punch on the shag pile rug. Definitely no sleeping on the floor for me tonight.
23:45 - Saw the Swedish man chatting to the reasonably attractive girl. Couldn't find any more golf balls.
24:00 - End of Birthday and end of party.

Fruitskin's Business Venture

I've been struggling to think of anything interesting to write about this week as life has sadly started to return to normality, but after a few encouraging requests from readers I thought I'd better pull my finger out. We have discovered it costs considerably more to live in Melbourne than back in England, so the amount of events and attractions we can afford to visit has been restricted of late. I now work Monday to Friday and the travelling vibe has somewhat dispersed but Australia hasn't quite lost its quirky edge just yet. I can still amuse myself by saying "You call that a knife?" in a dubious accent every time I see an Australian man in a cowboy hat. Simple things.

Rory and I are yet to find our own accommodation in Melbourne so Spuffer has kindly allowed us to move into his place for a few days. As I said before, Spuf has lived in Melbourne for quite a while now and has carved himself a rather successful career from door to door sales. He lives in an exclusive little apartment in the central business district with his house mate Mark and now Rory and I sleep on the sofas. He even has a 30 foot astro-turfed balcony overlooking the city, which is ideal for a lovely game of 2v2 football in the evenings. However, I do feel as though we are becoming part of his entourage. We drive around in his car, eat his food and make the very best of his gym and swimming pool facilities. In return I supply IT support and have provided him with free Internet access courtesy of his neighbours poor password choice (Password). He seems happy with the arrangement, so who am I to argue.

The search for a career change is still ongoing as I hate every demoralising moment I spend annoying people on doorsteps. I did have a promising trial at a small cafe in a trendy part of North Melbourne but they can't offer me anymore than a handful of casual shifts so I've had to take matters into my own hands. My most recent venture has come in the form of my very own clothing business, Fruitskin's Laundry. The company name is something I've been working on for quite a while and I'm hoping one day the Fruitskin brand will take off in very much the same way as Virgin did for Sir Richard Branson. Just for now I'm sticking to the retail of charity shop clothing but in the future I hope to have my fingers in a whole host of pies. Encase your still wondering, the skin of a fruit is more commonly referred to as a the peel which is also my surname and the laundry bit just sounds better than second hand jeans, so that's how it came about. I decided to go into business when I discovered that you could pick up a host of vintage Levis in Salvation Army stores for around $3-$6 (£2-£3.50). With this newly attained knowledge I checked Ebay and was encouraged to find that 2nd hand 501's sell for around $20-$25. Fruitskin's Laundry is very much in the early stages of development, but I have projected first year profits of around $400 (£230). When in business you can't turn down anything that's profitable and in the words of one very successful British entrepreneur, Mr Tesco, "Every little helps".

RIP Caption Competition

Because of this months lack of entries, the Caption competition is no longer. I may be to blame for the poor excuse of this months prize but due to its diminishing demand this feature will no longer run. I can only apologise to those who wait in eager anticipation each month for the new caption picture and say thank you to everybody who has entered in the past.
If I can think of a suitable replacement competition and find some better prizes I may have a few one off features in the future, but until then I suggest possibly Suduko as a suitable replacement for mental fulfilment.
The Editor.

April Fools

Just to let everybody know that the previous post was in fact an April fools gag.

However likely it may have sounded, Rory and I have in no way entered a flat sharing agreement with Curly watts.

I apologise to everybody that sent me Coronation Street memorabilia to be autographed. I accept no responsibility for postal costs.

Bettabuy Accommodation

Today we were lucky enough to find ourselves a new shared apartment in the heart of Melbourne. After many hours of searching property web sites for something within our budget, we finally found a suitable ad and immediately called the owner to arrange a viewing. The gentleman who answered was called Kevin and spoke in a English accent, which was rather unexpected, so we jumped on the train and headed straight over.

The apartment was in a large centrally located tower block around 5 minutes walk from the station and we had to ring a bell before we were buzzed in. Kevin greeted us on the stairwell. He was a middle aged man with a northern accent and was extremely welcoming. It was a little strange, but as soon as I saw Kevin he seemed familiar. He then gave us a quick tour of the establishment and we were very much impressed. He shared a lot of interests with Rory and Myself. There was loads of retro TV memorabilia throughout the apartment, he played the guitar, loved his music, was a massive football fan and supported Man City. After a quick moment to ourselves we told Kevin that we would love to move in, so he popped into the kitchen to grab the paper work. Upon his return, Kevin was sporting his glasses. At that moment it struck me. I did recognise him. He was none other than Kevin Kennedy, or as he is better known, Curly Watts from Coronation Street.

After releasing his debut single, Bulldog Nation, in 2000, Kevin quickly became fed up with his simpleminded reputation so decided to emigrate to Australia (His words not mine). Since the move, Kevin has set up a carpet fitting business and now happily works just 3 days a week in and around Melbourne. He has also started his own band, The Coronationers, and as lead singer gigs regularly in various pubs and clubs throughout the city.

So yet another eventful occasion for the Adventures of James Peel. It's not everyday you get to live with a BAFTA award nominee, let alone Norman "Curly" Watts.